Is that I have to live alone.
I moved straight from my parents house to my first 13 year marriage. I left my first husband for my second: another 13 year marriage. The first few years of each were happy: the last many of each were definitely not.
Ending that second marriage was terrifying. For the first 24 hours, every minute was panic-filled with the phrase in my head: ‘I’ve never done this before, I can’t manage alone.’ On the 2nd morning I awoke smiling: for a moment I thought it was my birthday, or Christmas. Then I remembered: now I live alone.
That was 16 years ago and the joy has not diminished, but increased.
I’ve not gone off men: far from it. I’m in a relationship where the extreme happiness has lasted longer than the happy years of my 2 marriages put together. The secret? He visits, but we don’t live together. He wants to: I won’t.
Perhaps my job is so social that I need time alone. I have friends to stay, I give parties. But I’ve never been happier than in the years I’ve lived alone. And I’m going to keep it that way.